what once was
by pamy
Summary: Susan is in England and she can't stop thinking of Caspian. Caspian is in Narnia and remembers all the times they had together. Caspian/Susan. based on the movie.
1. Susan : famous happy ending

**Ok. So this was originally meant to be a onshot, but then I finished the part about Susan and realised I already had three pages. So I decided to make it a bit longer.**

**I'm from Belgium, so please note that my english is not great. **

**This is based on the movie Prince Caspian. Mainly because I have never read the books.**

**Hope you like it, and I also love reviews. **

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**What once was**

_**Queen Susan, The gentle**_

_Once upon a time there lived two kings and two queens. In a country hidden in a wardrobe. And they were happy there. _

And it hurts Susan when she thinks of it. Because once upon a time is the start of a fairytale. And perhaps her story was somewhat a fairytale. She always believed it was. Until she walked trough that tree. Until she knew she'd never see him again.

Because a fairytale was always beautiful. And in the fairytale good always won. And nobody ever died. And the princess (or queen) would always find her knight in shining armor. And they would be happy.

And though she believes her story resembles fairytales, it also differs from them. And is that that hurts her most. Because she was never a damsel in distress, she never needed someone to safe her. Not really. But she did find her knight in shining armor. But he didn't resemble the princes in the story's at all. And that's why it hurt so much. Because things had been different.

_( and sometimes she thinks that if she had been a damsel in distress if she had needed saving, then perhaps her story would have been like a fairytale. And perhaps everything would be different.)_

But she hadn't. and the biggest difference was what hurt her the most. Because her story missed the most important thing. She didn't get her happy ending. There was no and they lived happily ever after for her and prince Caspian. No matter how much she wish there would be.

_( And she used to love reading those fairytales. She used to dream of a prince on a white horse to safe her. To take her to his castle to make her happy. The reality had been so different from the dream. It had been so much better. But it had all been taken away in a second.)_

And she never could read another fairytale. She could never open another one of those books without crying. Without thinking of what could have been. But she makes herself strong. Because nobody really understands. Because nobody really knows.

_( Not even her siblings, thought they understand better. They have seen Narnia. They have felt Narnia. But Lucy and Edmund are going back. And perhaps the person who understands her most is Peter. But not truly. Because he never felt what she felt. Her heart break into a million pieces. And nothing but him could make it whole again.)_

And perhaps that is why she doesn't take interest in boys. None of them life up to him. And she thinks it's tragic that the one person she loves is the one person she'll never see again. Sometimes she whishes she had died in the battle. Then she would have never felt this pain.

_(But then she looks at her siblings and the wish dies instantly. Because she could never bear being the person to take away Peter's strength, or Edmund's believe. She could never be the one to take away Lucy's faith or wipe that eternal smile of her face. She couldn't. Just like she couldn't just think of herself, they were the four kings and queens of old. And they would remain together.)_

And sometimes she sees his face and she smiles. Because she loves him. Because she knows he loves her. And somehow (she isn't really sure how.) But somehow she knows she will see him again. She doesn't know how she knows this but she does.

_(sometimes she thinks Aslans whispers it in her dreams. Sometimes she thinks it is just a way to get trough the day. She doesn't really care anymore.)_

And sometimes she hates Aslan. For doing what he did. For separating them. She hated him a lot in the beginning. Until one night she dreamed about the stone table. And she understands. Not completely. She could never understand why Aslan did what he did. But she knows Aslan knows what he does. And he has a reason for everything.

_(and she really doesn't understand the reason. She really doesn't know why. But somehow she has to have faith in Aslan. Because if she loses her faith, everything will be lost.)_

And she used to look in the mirror and see his face. She still does. But she couldn't look in the mirror without crying. So one day she broke the mirror. And refused to buy another. Thinking she broke the memory with it. But she didn't. She still sees his face everywhere she looks.

_( And she used to think that his memory would fade over time. That her feelings would fade. But time seemed to have made his memory more real, her feelings stronger. And she wonders if she will ever be happy.)_

And sometimes she wonders why she had to be the one. Why out of the four of them she had to lose her heart in Narnia. Why she could never be happy. Why it was her who got this faith. Why she had to love the one person she could never have. And she wonders if it will be this way forever. If she will forever love the one person she could never have.

_( And sometimes she hates her brothers. For not understanding. For not seeing. Peter for telling her to just forget. Edmund telling her to stop talking about him. Stop thinking about it. The only one who understands a little, the only one who never asks her why she cries is Lucy. And perhaps that's what hurts the most .Because she wants to protect Lucy. She doesn't want Lucy to see her in pain.)_

And it took her a lot of courage. And it took her a lot of time. But one day she managed. She painted a mask over her face, over her pain. A mask of a happy girl, one who had never been harmed. A girl that would laugh at a joke. A girl who never spoke of prince Caspian again. And she could see Peter smile, and she could see Edmund smile. And she saw the relieved looks on both her parents and the teachers faces. And she saw her friends smile at getting her back. The real Susan Pevensie.

_(But inside she is still the hurt girl. The real Susan Pevensie is the one who is hidden. It is the one who is queen of Narnia. It is the one who fought for her people. It is the one holding the bow and arrow. It is the one who is in love with Caspian. A love story with no beginning and no end.)_

Only Lucy sees trough her mask. Though she never mentions it. Susan still knows. Because when she laughs with her siblings it is Lucy who throws her a knowing look. And when a boy asks her out, it is Lucy who stands beside her. When her friends talk about make up and other silly things it is Lucy who finds a way to distract her.

_(And Lucy never says anything. And maybe she doesn't fully understand, but does that really matter. All that matters is that she is there, there when Peter and Edmund weren't. There even though she didn't understand, even though she didn't feel what Susan felt. She saw the pain in Susan's eyes, even if nobody else did.)_

And yet every time she closes her eyes she sees his face. And every night she dreams of him. And she wonders if he remembers her. She wonders if he loves her. If he to dreams of her.

_(And one night she wonders if he's even still alive. And it hurts her to think that perhaps he lived his life already. That perhaps he is dead. And it hurts even more thinking that he lived his entire life without her – maybe even married- and she still has to live hers.)_

And every night she wakes up before she can hold him in her arms. Before she can kiss him. Before she can reach him. And every night it is Lucy who climbs in her bed and holds her tight. It is Lucy who never asks questions and just lets her cry. Who never demands explanations. Who never asks for anything. Who just holds her tight. Until she falls asleep and simply doesn't dream.

_(And it is on one of those nights that for the first time she truly comprehends why Lucy was the Valiant. And she loves her for it. )_

And she knows that perhaps Peter is right. That she should forget. That it was just a feeling. A moment. That as soon as she meets her real prince charming, Caspian will be nothing but a distant memory. And she wants to believe it. But she does not. Because every night she sees his face, she knows she loves him. She knows he was her prince charming. And it hurts to know that.

_(But what hurt the most was Peter laughing when she told him. What hurts the most was him telling her not to be silly. What hurt the most was that at that moments she wondered if perhaps he had left High King Peter, the magnificent, her brother in Narnia. To be forgotten forever.)_

But she cannot forget. And she cannot live. She is a ghost. A mask. People don't see her not really. They only see what they want to see. Only Lucy really sees her. And she tries to forget, she really does. But every time she opens one of those books she remembers her story.

And every time she closes her eyes she sees his face. And every times she looks out the window she remembers. And she wonders if she will ever be home again. If she will ever belong again. And every night she dreams of it.

_(And sometimes she wonders if Aslan is punishing her. If perhaps she did something wrong. So wrong that she deserves this pain. But then she remembers the look in his eyes when he told her she wasn't coming back. The understanding smile when he saw her look at Caspian. And she knows that the lion would never harm her. Not purposely.)_

And she thinks of those fairytales. Of the knight in shining armor. Of the damsel in distress. Of the prince on the white horse _(Caspian's horse hadn't really been white, but did that really matter?) _And every girl is waiting for him. Their prince. Every girl is waiting for that famous happy ending. That love that will never die. The one you only read about.

_(Everyone except for her. And she really doesn't understand. After all in her mind she belongs in Narnia. That is her home. With him. But for some reason she is here. And she has to tell herself that Aslan knows what he's doing. But she doesn't really believe it.)_

And she knows she is slowly disappearing. That with each passing day she is distancing from her friends and family. That one day perhaps Susan Pevensie, queen Susan will disappear, and all that will be left is nothing but a distant memory of what she had once been.

_(And sometimes she wants that day to come. As to not remember his eyes. Not to remember the beautiful grounds. Not to remember Aslan. But then she cries and Lucy holds her, and she never wants that day to come. Because she fears that if that day does come she will lose Lucy to.)_

And one day she takes out her diary and starts writing. _Once upon a time there where two boys and two girls. _And she writes the entire story down, as to never forget it. But she knows she never will. Because she lived her fairytale, she was a queen. She was queen Susan the gentle. She met her knight in shining armor. But life is not always a fairytale. And sometimes things go bad.

And unlike most of the girls in her class. Unlike the princess and queens in the fairytale. She, queen Susan the gentle, didn't get her famous happy ending.


	2. Caspian : It hurts

What once was

**What once was**

_**Prince Caspian X**_

He is a king now. No longer a prince. And he finds it weird. He can't get used to the title. High King Peter said it would take time. That somehow the name would grow on him. That he would get used to it. Just like they all did. But he doesn't know if he really believes that. Because every time he hears king Caspian it just sounds wrong.

_(And sometimes he remembers her saying it. Queen Susan. And when she said 'king Caspian' it sounded perfect. And he thinks that that's perhaps why it sounds so wrong. Because he will never hear her say it again.)_

And he tries to forget her. Which is really not that hard. After all he is king. He needs to be in important meetings. He needs to keep his mind on ruling his kingdom. He has no time to think of something else. All he needs to think of are the decisions to make. He needs to think of other things.

_(And sometimes it worries him that it is so easy to forget her during the day. It is so easy, when he has something to concentrate on.)_

But at night when he lies alone in his chambers, thoughts of her fill his mind. Because there is nothing left. Nothing to decide. He doesn't need to think of anything. And he remembers her eyes. And he feels her lips against his. And he feels her arms around him. And he wants to hold on to that forever.

_(But he wants to forget her to. He wants the pain to go away and that is what confuses him the most. That is what makes him toss and turn in his bed for hours before eventually falling asleep.)_

But even in his dreams he can't escape her. Because she is always there. He knows she is. Sometimes he wonders if the dreams are not real. If maybe somehow they see each other. If perhaps in her world she is dreaming of her. But he wakes up before he reaches her. He wakes up before he can ask her.

_(And sometimes he wonders if she remembers him. If she loves him. And he wonders how different their worlds are. How far apart from each other they really are. If there are so much differences between them.)_

And he used to see her in his mirror. He used to see her smile, her eyes. He used to reach out to the glass. As if somehow he could touch her. As if somehow he could reach trough the worlds. But all he would touch was the cold glass. One day he stopped trying. And he would look in the mirror and he would see her.

_(and in the beginning he would take comfort out of her smile. Her eyes. That was when he still had hope. When he somehow still believed Aslan would change his mind. That she would come back to him. But that hope has long since faded. Never to return again.)_

But he couldn't do it. He couldn't look in her eyes every morning. He was so angry. At her for leaving him. At himself for letting her go. At Aslan for saying she had to. At everybody around him for not telling him, for not explaining to him…. And it hurt. It hurt more than he would ever admit.

_(And nobody really understood. The narnians missed their kings and queens but they did not feel what he felt. They did not see what he saw. Nobody did.)_

One day he broke the mirror. And though the mirror was replaced he covered it with a towel. He never wanted to look in a mirror again. He thought that perhaps she would have disappeared. That perhaps her memory had broken with the glass. But it hadn't. She was still living inside of her.

_(And he wondered if this was his punishment. For being a bad king. For being a Telmarine. For having taken her land. And he wondered if that was what Aslan was doing. Punishing him. But then he remembered her tears and he knew, even if Aslan had wanted to punish him, he would have never punished her. Never.)_

So he tries to keep away from his room. He tries to go to sleep as late as possible and wake up as early as he can. But that doesn't always work. For the telmarines under him do not understand. And the narnians do, but wish to protect him. He finds himself in his room more than he can bare.

_(So he looks for somewhere else to go. Somewhere were she is not. But she is everywhere. No matter where he goes she is there. And he cannot hide from her. And he can not forget her. He can not.)_

And he finds himself at the professor a lot. And he knows that somehow the professor understand the most. Because he knows him the best. And he doesn't say anything. He doesn't try to get explanations. He doesn't try to get him to talk when he sits there in the darkness staring at nothing. And he puts an arm around him when he cries.

_(But he says nothing. And for that Caspian is grateful. He knows the professor understands he doesn't wish to talk about her. Perhaps in the future he will. Perhaps someday he will need it. )_

The days that hurt him the most are the days when there is nothing to do. And unfortunately there are a lot of those. Because they are at peace. Because there is no war. Because sometimes the only thing he has to decide is what to wear to the special dinner. And is on those days that it hurts the most.

_(it is on those days he has time to remember. It is on those days he sees her face everywhere. That he desperately wishes to hide from the world. But he cannot hide in his chambers. And he runs.)_

And sometimes he finds himself staring at that tree. Hoping that maybe she will walk trough it. And she will laugh. And they will be together. And they will be happy. And there will be nothing standing between them. And he sits there for hours. Just staring at it. And when he finally leaves the tree is nothing but a blur. The tears stand in his eyes. But he never cries. Not where he can be seen.

_(And he goes there almost every day. But she never walks trough it. One day he stops going. It is on that day he lost his hope. That he truly excepted she would not come back. And on that night he cried like a baby. And he didn't care anymore who saw.)_

And sometimes he wonders what they did wrong. If they really deserved this fate. If they did not deserve to be happy. And sometimes he wanted to scream at Aslan. Sometimes he hates Aslan. But that feeling does not last long. Because he trust Aslan. And he has to believe that this was for the best.

_(And sometimes he just wants to ask Aslan why. But he never has the courage. And he does not know that even with him not asking, Aslan knows.)_

And when he simply can't handle it anymore he takes her horn and holds it tight. It is a piece of her. A piece of her he carries around everywhere. A piece of her he still has. The only part of her he has left. The bow and arrow are with the weapons of the other siblings.

_(And sometimes the thinks of putting the horn there. Because it was always hers. But he can't bring himself to let it go. To place it there. He will hold on to it forever.)_

One night he finds a book on his bed. The professor left it there. It is the book with the stories of the kings and queens of old. And he reads. But he can only read it once. Because every time he reads something about her, his heart breaks. And every time he sees a drawing of her (even if she in no way resembles the drawing, for in reality she is much prettier) tears appear in his eyes. And he grabs the horn.

_(Sometimes he wondered if he would blow the horn that maybe the kings and queens of old would return. And he wanted to try it a couple of times, but he didn't dare to out of fear. Fear of having her back and having Aslan take her away again.)_

And sometimes he wishes he could forget. Simply never remember them. But then he looks around and sees them all. And he knows he can never forget. Because they are the kings and queens of old. And they belong in Narnia. And forgetting them would be a dishonor. So he can never forget.

_(And he did blow on the horn once. But it didn't work. She didn't return. And that night he didn't sleep. He cried. And he couldn't close his eyes. He did not want to see her again.)_

And sometimes he wonders why he is trying. He wonders why he is trying to live without her. And then he remembers the battles. And the people who died. And he knows he has to go on. To honor their memory. Sometimes he wonders if things would have been better if he had never looked at her.

_(And he thought that when time passed he would forget her. That perhaps her memory would fade, his love disappear. But time seemed to have made the memory more real, his love for her stronger.)_

And one night he opens the book. And reads it. And then he realizes that their times run differently. That perhaps they were to different. And he reads the story's but he doesn't find the story of them returning. So he takes book and writes it down. To be a part of history forever. A legend forever. To never be forgotten.

_(And he wonders if the pain will ever disappear. If he will ever forget her. If he will ever be happy.)_

And as he writes it all down he realizes that the story misses the most important thing. Because queen Susan the gentle and Prince Caspian didn't get their fairytale ending.

They didn't get their happy ending. And it hurts.


	3. what once was

What once was

**What once was**

_**Queen susan, the gentle **_

_**&**_

_**King Caspian X**_

_Once upon a time in a distant country. A queen and a prince met. _

It is the start of a fairytale. The fairytale that never was. And Susan Pevensie tried to forget. She really did. But she could not really burry the prince. She could not really forget who she was. She could not out of fear of losing herself. Of losing her siblings.

And they really do not understand. Only Lucy understands. Only Lucy knows. And even though Susan tried she could not forget. And every time she closed her eyes she saw his face. And her parents wondered why she never dated. And her friends wondered why she didn't talk about thins with them.

But she could not tell them. She could hardly tell them she had met her prince charming in another world. That she was a queen. That she had grown old, that she had turned back into a child. That she was in fact 1300 years old. She looked pretty good to be of that age.

But she could not forget his eyes. His lips. His arms. And she cries. Every night.

'_you keep it. You may need to call me again.'_

He holds the horn tightly. Close to him. As he sits on his throne and makes decisions. As he lies in his bed and remembers. As he looks out his window and cries. As he sits at the tree and waits. Waits for the queen who never returns. And he doesn't see the lion standing in the distance. He doesn't see the understanding look.

And even though Caspian tried he could not forget. Forgetting would be a crime. He closes his eyes and sees her face. And it almost as if she is there again. And they try to get him to marry. And they introduce him to many different girls. But not one of them can live up to queen Susan. Not one of them.

And he knows she will never return. And that he has to accept. And perhaps even marry. But he cannot bring himself to. And he can't really explain to anyone. How he had fallen in love with a queen. The high queen of Narnia. And maybe that was it. Maybe he was just not good enough for her. She deserved much better.

But he could not forget her. Her eyes. Her lips. Her arms. And he cries every night.

And in their own worlds. In their own countries. In their own rooms they sit on their beds.

And they wonder. If they had known that maybe things would be different. That if he had know how much this would hurt, he may never have blown on that horn at all. Then he would never have seen her.

And maybe if she had never kissed him, it would be easier to forget each other. Maybe that was her mistake. If they had only know how much it would hurt. They might not have done those things. If they had know this would happen.

But they did not.

_Once upon a time in a distant country a queen and a prince met. Together they fought a war, and they won. And they fell in love._

And Susan holds onto her little sister and she cries. And Caspian holds onto the horn and he cries to.

And in their own worlds. Time and miles apart from each other they cry. And their hearts break.

Because what once was, was never a fairytale.


End file.
